Lost of a Loved one....brain dump

Tuesday was the hardest day for me out of the year....it is every ear, for the past 17 years. Tuesday was the anniversary of my aunt Tetti's last day with me, and first day with Jesus. My aunt Tetti, Stephanie Anne Christy, died at the young age of 20 after a short, but well fought battle with colon cancer. She was my best friend, my hero and probably my favorite person in the world. She always made me feel special, loved and welcome, even with her friends. We moved from California when I was 2 but my parents made sure we went back home several times a year. Despite the many miles between us we stayed close and continued our special bond. As a kid I was a "loser" in school and didn't have many friends (except my Valerie.....love ya girl!) My aunt Tetti was WAY COOL! She was beautiful, had friends, was a cheerleader, drill team, always had cute boys around and got to hang out at the beach. When you're a little girl looking to be big these are the things that matter! Oh, and she got me a New Kids on the Block watch when my mom wouldn't get it for me ;)

Each year and each time I hit a "milestone of life" it is bittersweet.....it is something I am having the joy of experiencing and my aunt did not. People tell me "she's not suffering, she's happy, you should move on". All I will say is each deals with grief differently and I've come A LONG WAY from where I was 7 years ago in my grieving process. Let me explain for those of you who didn't know (my parents had no idea until a few years ago).

Part of the problem was I never really grieved her loss. I was 10, angry, disbelieving and ended up handling my grief by either crying myself to sleep when nobody was around or by convincing myself she wasn't really gone and would call me up any day (seriously, I blocked out all rational thinking and clung to the thought she was here and just busy). It wasn't until I was 20 and had "passed her" in life that I really felt the impact of what I had lost, what I longed for and what would never be. I think it was that year that I finally let my heart feel what my head had known all along, she was gone from this Earth, life was forever changed and I was pissed. I know, not a nice word but there really isn't a better one. Josh and I had just started dating and the poor guy had no idea what he was about to have thrown at him....a person crazy with grief and quickly falling into depression. I would call him at all hours of the night crying so hard I couldn't talk. He would drive over and just sit with me on my parents front porch while I cried. I couldn't talk, I couldn't process.....I had about 10 years worth of tears to shed (and I did!) This year was the happiest time in my life, Josh and I were dating and knew we would be married......but it was shadowed by the fact that my aunt wasn't there when I wanted her, when I needed her and I wasn't able to share this joy with her. I would cry, yell, and cry some more everyday on my way home from college classes. Finally I realized I had to DO something, find an outlet.....I created a scrapbook full of wonderful memories of my aunt Tetti, I wrote her letters, made a special trip to California to visit her grave for the first time, watched her memorial service more than I can count and then, when the light finally started to shine again I got a yellow rose tattoo on my foot in her memory. All of her girlfriends wore yellow ribbons to her memorial service and left a yellow rose for her at the grave. Oh, and I told Josh if we ever had a little girl her name would be Stephanie (needless to say he didn't argue :)

This tattoo was the end of a very hard, very long and very healing year. Josh stayed by my side, despite my craziness :) My relationship with God grew to a depth I didn't know possible....it's amazing to me that I could be so angry with Him, that He would "allow" and love me still. and finally I was able to see past that fact that my aunt was gone and able to have her be a part of my life still as a role model and hero. My aunt is still here, in my daily life and in such a positive way now. Yes, I still have my days and Josh can see them coming, knows what to do and we get through it but overall it's positive memories, laughs and the peace that she is with her heavenly father, safe, and if she could she would be smiling down on me and sending me all her love.

So now I'm a mother, one more thing on my "list". No, I probably shouldn't "keep count" of all the things I am enjoying that she didn't.....oh well, that's just how it is. Knowing life is short I think I am able to enjoy things that much more, get rid of the junk in life and hang on to the things that are important. It's amazing to me how the heart is able to keep people "alive" long after they have left this earth. So I sat on the couch Tuesday with Josh and my little Stephanie, we talked about life, our family and surprisingly for me....not a tear was shed. My aunt is here with me, she would want me to enjoy being a mother and to find joy in life.....I'm there :) Here is one of my favorite stories of my aunt and the picture I look at every morning when I get ready for my day.

So, my aunt wanted me to sleep in bed with her when we would go back to California for a visit. I was a kid and could never stay in one place very long :) If I got out of bed and left her room mom would make me sleep in the guest room with them. So my aunt got smart....she told me that I better stay in her bed because the "boogey monster" lived under it, only came out at night and would grab my feet and pull me under if I got out of bed......IT WORKED! I never got out of bed again and TO THIS DAY have a hard time getting out of bed at night (and think about the boogey monster everytime I do).....LOL, she loved me to pieces and would do anything to keep me with her. These are the things I cling to. Our last picture together before I was an official "Texan"....Pretty sure we were at a McDonalds. My Papa still has the hat Tetti is wearing in his office.