I'm loving being a mommy and she's so much fun to play with! The school year is quickly coming to a close and we'll be able to hang out all day every day....I can't wait! Work is great, people are understanding and supportive. I love my kiddos and am able to pick up Stephanie from Rebeccas in time to have a great, fun evening together.....so what's up?
Well I'm kinda pissed about Josh missing so much. I don't mind doing things on my own......it's no biggie at all. I don't mind taking care of the house and Stephanie, it's been kinda fun to see that I can handle it. God has some AMAZING things in both my relationship with Him and Josh during this time...so why the strange emotions, and why now?
With every new thing Stephanie does I am sad and angry. I want Josh to be experiencing each smile, laugh, LONG bouts of talking, snuggle time, quite morning stretchers.....everything. I am angry that he has missed so much and we can't get it back. I have taken a million pictures and made tons of DVD's but it's not the same. True, if he was going to have to miss any time of her growing up this is the best time because she is perfectly content watching her Daddy DVD's (she giggles in anticipation when I put her in her chair to watch them). We have Daddy time everyday without fail...she even has a DVD at Ms Rebeccas.....I'm not upset for her missing out, or for me having to do it all....I'm upset for Josh. So many guys walk away from their families for careers, personal ambition, other women or whatever and don't think twice.....Josh WANTS to be here and isn't able to be and it sucks.
This saddness and anger has translated into a very selfish me. I want Stephanie......when I pick her up from Ms Rebeccas I want to go home and just be. We play, go for walks, watch Daddy and take pictures....it's a fun little evening we have. I don't want to have to run to the grocery store, meet friends for dinner, go back to school for meetings.....do anything. I'm kinda anti-social. I want time just me and her. I think part of it is she is what I have of my little family and it makes me hold on that much tighter to her. I want to experience every smile, giggle, kick and cry.....and I want to capture every minute on video for Josh. Everything we do I'm like "we gotta take a picture for Daddy"
I haven't gone over to friends houses or met them for dinner. I rarely go to my parents to just "hang out" anymore. I just want to go to OUR house and be a family.....strange because this is something new. When she was first born we were at moms ALL THE TIME. People came over to see me and I had no problem letting them hold Stephanie giving me a "break". Now I don't like people holding her because that means I'm not. I hate when I am late to picking her up from Rebeccas and will stay there and play with her until she gets sleepy just so I don't "waste" her happy time on the car ride home. (plus we get to talk all things mommy which I love) I take a nap with her every afternoon.....just sitting there watching her sleep.......this is SO not what I'm used to and just started about a month ago. I was using her sleeping time to be productive....now I just watch her. Time is going by too fast and he's missing it......
I'm praying this will ease some in a few weeks when I am home all day with her and as Josh's return gets closer. Praying I CAN go out to homegroup.....that I'll meet my girlfriends for coffee, that I'll go to my parents to hang out......I've skipped homegroup three times because I didn't want to leave Stephanie. I am skipping an AWESOME trip with my hometeam girls because I don't want to leave Stephanie. There have been so many things I have opted not to do simply because I would rather sit at home in my pj's and play with my little girl...
Not saying any of this is bad.....I know I'll always want to spend time with Stephanie....just wish I wanted to do other things too. I know I need time with other Godly women to grow spiritually and to bounce mommy ideas off of....I miss my friends (not enough to leave Stephanie with mom so I can go hang out, but I do miss them). Hoping we'll find a balance in the weeks/months to come.
Well to all those I've had to say no to and all those I will say no to in the months ahead, sorry. Being a mom is something different to everyone, but this is what it is to me and I'm okay with that. I know she (and future siblings) will be Josh and my #1 priority (behind our marriage). We will want to spend time with them, cherish the memories and do things as a family. I don't see many weekends away just the two of us.....maybe a dinner for two every now and then. Luckily we have friends who are like minded so we all can gather up the kiddos and head out together.....I dream of many such days this summer!!!
Well off to dream.....and to go give the princess some more tylenol and oral gel....teething just started and I already hate it ;)
I don't think you are crazy at all...you are a mommy and you are protective. I always notice me acting the same way when I would work at birth choice for a few days in a row...I all of a sudden wouldn't want to do anything except with be with my child. That is normal and I think with Josh being gone it makes it even more intense becuase she is your little family right now. I remember when Kyle was gone at the fires (nothing like Josh's situation) I just clung unto Jeremiah like no tomorrow...I didn't want to leave him or do anything except be with my child. These emotions will change as she gets older and when he comes back. Love you
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Even though our situations are very different, I do understand how you feel. Suddenly you are a family, not part of a family. They are only little once, so take your time, enjoy it, and say no to everything you want to. Boundaries are a very important part to having children and family. We love ya!
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