Fostering.....

Our first foster placement has come and gone.....never thought my house would feel empty with "just" two kiddos in it :)  We have an empty bed in the nursery and an empty bed in the big girl room.....this is SUPER hard for me! Knowing kids are out there and just waiting for the phone call.....I'm working on "waiting well", some days are better than others.

Baby Boy came straight from the hospital THREE HOURS after our agency called us and I said yes.  I had time to pick up diapers, formula and a baby swing....oye!  It was a super fun day and I look forward to the craziness when that next call comes.  Little man was with us for a month before being moved to a kinship placement.  He never felt like he was ours, or that he would stay long.  I loved every minute of snuggles and kisses, miss him very much but am SO VERY HAPPY for him to be home with family.  I pray (and very much believe) he will be back in his momma's arms in 2011.

There is a song by Amy Grant....Breath of Heaven.....I have ALWAYS loved this song and can sing it word for word.   This Christmas season it held a very different meaning.  I felt a strange connection to Mary (the mother of Jesus).  God chose her to care for his own son....Her out of everyone in the world....that's a BIG deal.  I understood her feelings of unworthiness and being overwhelmed by the magnitude of the situation.  God had chosen me to care for this sweet baby boy while his mother couldn't.  He had chosen me to care for his every need, bond with him, snuggle him....love him as my own fully believing he wouldn't be staying long.  This was a VERY scary, overwhelming and humbling experience.  I'm not sure I have ever felt more unworthy in my life. I went to visitation once and met baby boys mommy.....my heart broke for her! I was leaving the office with HER CHILD and she was leaving empty handed.  This made it even more unbelievable that God would chose me to take care of this sweet boy.  I was the one to witness many of his firsts, I held him when he was sick and I knew all his little tricks to make him happy......

I can't fully explain it and maybe you have to walk this path to understand.  I have had students that I have become very bonded to and loved but having someone elses child in your home and being your responsibility is a big deal......I'm still overwhelmed by it all and am so humbled that this is the path God has given Josh and I.  All for HIS glory.....I do not have the strength for this at all outside of Him :)

So our house is back in order, Christmasing is done and now we wait....have I mentioned I DO NOT wait well?????  I keep my phone on and by my side at all times, I jump a bit when it rings and am constantly thinking about who the next little one will be.  I try not to think about them "out there" in the world.....I know their circumstances aren't good (otherwise they wouldn't need foster care).  This is a crazy road to be walking, not the road I had envisioned us taking to adoption but I am SO blessed by this journey already and we are only 7 months in :)  Who knows, maybe this time next year we will be working on an adoption.....or maybe I will be sitting here with my two girls waiting, waiting for another call saying a kiddo is on their way :)

ps, I know God will give us what is best for our family but I am SO praying for another boy.....my heart was just melted by little man! Plus, now I have the crib and cute clothes, hahaha!!  I always said I wanted all boys growing up....I will laugh when I end up with a houseful of girls :)